


The Only Exception

by LoveRemains



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Love, Possible smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-23 00:00:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3748051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveRemains/pseuds/LoveRemains
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when a love you must give up is impossible to leave behind? You erase it. You erase it and hope like hell that the emptiness that is left doesn't consume you altogether. However, fate is a tricky entity, and sometimes you find yourself falling upon a path you once thought inconceivable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Only Exception

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me for this, it's been forever since I've written anything and I'm very self conscious as it is. But, this idea has been stuck in my head for days and I had to write it down. Apologies in advance for all the angst, please don't hate me! There's a long road ahead.
> 
> Since I always listen to songs that inspire me while I write, here's a mini playlist...if you dare!
> 
> Love Like This (the acoustic version) - Kodaline  
> I Don't Wanna Love Somebody Else - A Great Big World  
> Looking For You Again - Matthew Perryman Jones  
> Sad, Beautiful, Tragic - Taylor Swift
> 
> Also I'm sorry about any errors of any kind I may have missed!
> 
> ***

It’s the third Wednesday in May when she shows up again. It’s something like clockwork, an innate schedule that’s been carved into her veins, something she follows blindly until she realizes where she is. And just like every third Wednesday, Laura presses her pointer finger to the all too familiar call button and waits. Her chest is tight with air, uncomfortably so, and she knows she won’t be able to properly breathe until she’s inside. Because _she_ has to allow it, and every single time she feels the jagged finger of fear rake along her spine, afraid that this is it. That after tonight, Carmilla won’t buzz her in and they’ll be over for good. The unease weighs heavily on her shoulders, thick and smothering, and she’s sure she’ll start to suffocate on the humid air. But then the sound of a responding ring is slicing through her panic and her heart hammers behind her ribcage as she pulls the door open and rushes inside. 

She takes the stairs because _fuck waiting for the elevator_ and by the time she’s on the fourth floor of the building, she’s even more out of breath and everything hurts. She swallows thickly as she tries to collect herself and she barely registers that her eyes are blurry with unshed tears when she gets to Carmilla’s apartment. As if she could sense her somehow, the door swings open and large, dark eyes meet wide, tear-filled ones. They both stand there for what seems like hours, momentarily stunned by the weight of what’s not being spoken, and then a pathetic whimper falls from Laura’s mouth and she’s crashing over the threshold.

Carmilla is barely able to push the door shut as Laura eliminates every bit of space between them and presses her body flush against hers. Their foreheads rest together and the second the brunette’s hands land on her waist, Laura drags in an uneven breath. The overwhelming sensation of _home_ rips through her and she swallows quickly once before taking the girl’s lips with her own. 

The kiss is messy and uncoordinated. Their teeth knock together a few times, but then Carmilla’s got Laura’s bottom lip between her teeth and she tugs at it possessively and all Laura can do is _feel_. 

_I need you_ , the kiss says, _I miss you_.

Laura licks into her mouth after, sucking on the brunette’s upper lip as her hands deftly reach to the hem of the girl’s shirt and pull it over her head. Laura’s shirt follows soon after and her sweatpants are already being pushed down the length of her thighs when shaking fingers burn words of longing into bared skin, hot and toxic while they stumble as one to the back of the apartment to Carmilla’s bedroom. 

When her back hits the familiar comfort of the mattress, Laura’s eyes bore into Carmilla’s and the dark, unabashed desire she finds there is quick to melt away until all she can see is _love_.

It makes her heart stutter; fresh tears prick at the corners of her eyes, threatening everything.  


It happens every time. At some point she starts crying because it’s all too much and she knows she can’t have like she wants to. Not anymore. Carmilla knows this, and just like each time, she flashes her a sad smile before grazing her nose against Laura’s and capturing her lips in a soft, lingering kiss. 

That’s how they always stay for a few moments, holding fast and kissing slow, if only to know that the other is really there- that they’re falling apart, but it doesn’t matter. Not now. Not like this. 

They stay like that until their hearts are burning and their skin is aching, until kissing is no longer enough. 

And then they touch.

Careful and sure, they map every inch of each other, committing it all to memory.

Because soon, memory will be all they have left. 

 

//

 

When they collapse against the mattress hours later, the sky is black and the moon is full where it rests among the stars, its eerily calming light filtering in through the open window behind Carmilla. They’re a tangle of sweaty limbs and heaving chests, clinging to each other in an attempt to make the moment stretch a little longer. Laura nuzzles closer and kisses Carmilla soundly as the other girl tucks some hair behind her ear, smoothes a hand down along her cheek before intertwining their hands together. 

“We can’t do this anymore, can we?” Her voice sounds far away when it disrupts the silence when she finally speaks, like she’s stuck in a tunnel. She sounds tired, defeated, and her throat swells as an onslaught of emotion tries to compromise her feat to be brave. 

Carmilla takes a moment, dropping her gaze to their hands. Giving Laura’s a tight squeeze, she adjusts her head on the pillow and her voice breaks when she answers, 

“No.”

The admission slaps her in the face, though it’s what she was waiting for. She expected it, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less now that it’s out and hanging in the air between them like a guillotine. The pain it brings ebbs from the pit of her stomach and by the time it’s spread to every last part of her, she’s crying. It’s silent, and she tries to shift her jaw to make the knot in her throat loosen, but it only cinches tighter. Her hold on Carmilla tightens, and if the girl were human, she’d be worried about whether or not she was causing her discomfort. 

A shaky breath floats past her lips as fat tears leak from her eyes and seep into the pillow that’s propped under her chin. “I don’t know how to stay away from you...” She starts, voice soft and watery. “Carm, I _can’t_ -”

“It’s okay…it’s-“ Carmilla is quick to try and amend the situation; the lie tastes bitter on her tongue.

The truth is, they both know it’s far from okay. It’s not working, this arrangement. Nothing is working. 

Thankfully, Laura interrupts her before more lies can fall from her mouth,

“No. It’s not okay…none of this is okay. I _hate_ this…loving you, but not being able to have you…having to pretend that I’m trying to move on when my heart is still here with you, where it belongs. It’s the cruelest form of torture, it’s not fair, and I _know_ you feel it too.” 

She pauses on a whimper to heave out a cracked breath, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. Her eyes search Carmilla’s, trying to read the very last remnants of her soul, panicked as if at any moment invisible arms will reach in from the darkness of the room and yank her away. 

There are no tears in the brunette’s eyes when she speaks again, it’s against her anatomy, but she can feel the phantom of them build up beneath the surface, fighting to break free. Her eyes are glassy though and rimmed red with sorrow. She tries to be strong for Laura, always tries, but she can’t keep the brokenness from her expression. She’s bleeding on the inside and she hates that she can’t fix this, that she has no answer for her love’s cries. She doesn’t know how make it better and it’s killing her. 

Well, there was one way, but she would never allow herself to suggest it first.

“Of course I feel it too. I know it’s not fair, and if I could change the hand of fate and keep you forever…I would without hesitation-” She shifts impossibly close so that their foreheads are touching and her voice drops to a quiet murmur. 

“Laura, I _love_ you. I will _always_ love you, but I hate seeing you like this. Tell me how to fix it, how can I make the hurt stop?” Carmilla brushes the curtain of honey-brown hair off of Laura’s shoulder and tangles her fingers there. Her lips ghost over the smaller girl’s in encouragement.

“Tell me…” She repeats, her voice barely audible.

They won’t escape this unscathed. One does not simply walk away from a love like theirs without the ghost of a thousand wounds marring their skin. There’s only one way out.

Laura swallows hard, and her voice comes as a fragile whisper, “Erase it.”

When Carmilla looks back up at her, Laura’s eyes are shut tight. She pulls a slow breath into her lungs, collecting ever last shred of courage in her bones before she dares to continue.

“You have to erase it. Everything. Make me forget because there is no way I’ll be able to live comfortably knowing you’re out there somewhere…somewhere where I can’t follow. I can’t go through that again.”

Laura knows tragedy. She lived through it when she lost her mother, and maybe it's a bit dramatic, but she can’t see herself willingly watch another person she cares about leave her.

Especially not when that person is her first love, her _only_ love. 

A cold sweat breaks out over the brunette, and even though she doesn’t need to breathe, she feels her lungs struggle for air anyway. She knows she can’t deny Laura this even though her instincts scream at her to do otherwise. She wants to yell and tell her no. She wants to tell her that she’s crazy and she’ll have to think of something else. But she doesn’t, because she knows Laura is not crazy, knows that there is no other option. So she does what she does best, pushes down the cruel selfishness to keep the memory of her intact, to keep them intact, and relents. Her entire body physically deflates when she nods, but then she sighs and snakes her arms around Laura’s middle, “In the morning. I just need to hold you tonight, if that’s okay.” 

Laura catches Carmilla’s lips with hers after the girl places a gentle kiss between her eyes and when she pulls away, the smile she tries to manage doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

“It’s always okay. I love you.” She says sweetly, stroking the blunt tips of her nails along the length of Carmilla’s spine, tracing shapes into her skin. 

Eventually the steady rhythm of her hand lulls her to sleep and her breath finally evens. She subconsciously cuddles closer to Carmilla, and the vampire breathes her in, forcing herself to come to terms with the reality that the sun will bring in a matter of hours. 

“I love you, too” She finally whispers to the silence.

 

//

 

They’re on the sidewalk when it happens, locked in a tight embrace as the sun hangs overhead. It’s still early and a chill slithers through the air, but neither takes notice. Laura is the first to pull away, smoothing her hands down the length of Carmilla’s arms where they finally come to rest on her elbows. She’s trying to be brave, but her eyes are slightly red and puffy from crying the night before and the vulnerability that shines in them makes Carmilla sick to her stomach. 

“Will it hurt?” She asks, always curious of the unknown.

“No, you won’t feel anything.” Carmilla tries to smile, just the corners of her lips turning upwards; the double meaning of her words stings.

“Ready?” 

“Wait…will you kiss me one more time?” 

The hopeful look in Laura’s bright, doe eyes is something she could never deny, so the brunette cups her cheeks gingerly and draws her in without question. Their lips meet and silent words of tender affection are passed between them. It says everything they need it to. She allows the kiss to draw out for a beat; their lips are still touching when Carmilla pulls away. It’s only when Laura slowly opens her eyes that Carmilla locks onto them. Without a word, she shifts her gaze and then she’s slipping in to Laura’s mind. It feels entirely too invasive, but she won’t let herself lose focus. She can’t. 

“Laura, listen carefully, okay?” She starts, her voice smooth and dripping with honey. It hits the space between them like a ribbon of silk, inviting and dreamlike. She hates it. 

“Yes.” Laura’s reply is instant and sure as she hangs her on every word. 

“Good. Now, I need you to do something for me. I need you to forget all of this. Erase every memory you have of us. It never happened, any of it. I was never your roommate at Silas. We never fell in love. I don’t exist in your world, and when I release you, you will go home. You will take a long shower, and then you will eat some of your favorite cookies and watch Doctor Who reruns. You should visit your dad soon too, he misses you.”

The weight of her words hits her then, realizing that she will have to give up everything that came with Laura. Thinking it is one thing, but speaking it is an entirely different beast. It’s the worst pain she’s felt since drowning in that coffin. 

‘ _Nothing good will ever last long around you, my darling girl_.’ She can hear her mother now, those sinister words digging into her like a splintered stake. ‘ _Darkness will always be your home, you’ll see_.’ 

Carmilla takes a brief second to pause and collect herself. Her hands are nearly shaking against Laura’s face where she’s stroking her thumbs along her cheekbones. Her cold heart is crumbling to dust, like someone is reaching into her chest cavity and pulverizing it slowly. 

“Erase me completely. Do you understand?” 

Laura nods easily and it’s all Carmilla needs to see. She sucks in a breath she doesn’t need through her nostrils, barely holding it together before she sends the girl away.

“Okay… you may go now.” 

With that, Carmilla drops her gaze, and the connection is broken. 

Her hands fall heavy to her sides, cold and empty. 

She doesn’t wait for Laura to come back to reality, choosing instead to disappear behind the doors of her apartment building where she won’t have to watch the love of her life look around in confusion before walking away forever without any recollection of how deep their union ran. 

Her head falls back against the heavy wood and the sigh she lets out is the weakest, smallest thing she’s ever heard. Everything inside her begins to grow hollow and dark, freezing until it all shatters from the pressure. 

She doesn’t even recognize her own voice when she speaks.

“Goodbye, Laura.”


End file.
